BREAKING Insect News Network (INN) exclusive. Reporter: Marty McFly
Today I flew in for an exclusive interview with the most desired interviewee in journalism. An exclusive interview with the fly in the hair of Mike Pence. The interview was conducted at an undisclosed Catturd where we shared lunch. Below is an edited transcript of the discussion.
REPORTER: So what does it feel like to be in front of a grand jury.
FLY: Well, I can tell you it was pretty hairy.
REPORTER: Well, let’s get down to it. What’s the buzz?
FLY: Ha, ha, I see what you did there. Interviewing a fly and you ask “what’s the buzz.” Oh how cliche.
REPORTER: [laughs graciously]. Well you were there, weren’t you. You were in the room where it happened, right?
FLY: Oh definitely. I crawled around on the top of Ole Mama’s Boy’s head, shit a couple of times, and heard everything.
REPORTER: Tell us about the shitting.
FLY: Funny thing, the fake media reports the turds as dandruff.
REPORTER: Well that sucks. Okay, tell us about what you heard.
FLY: Well there was this Smith guy and he asked a lot of questions.
REPORTER: Like what questions?
FLY: Well he asked Pence if his old boss tried to have him killed?
REPORTER: And what did Pence say?
FLY: He said, and I quote, “the mother fer [only he said the whole word] told the mob I was a coward and they built a gallows to hang me. You figure it the F [only he said the whole word] out.
REPORTER: Pence said that?
FLY: Yep, every un-redacted F word of it.
REPORTER: Did Smith ask if Trump told Pence to unilaterally overthrow the results of the election?
REPORTER: How did Pence answer.
FLY: Pence said, and I quote: “Fucking A he did and then he said if I didn’t he would have me offed.”
FLY: Serious as an insurrectionist feces lunch smeared on the walls of the Capitol Building.
REPORTER: Can you tell us more?
FLY: Not really. It’s protected by the sacrosanct fly/host privilege.
REPORTER: Is that really a thing?
FLY: Every bit as much a thing as the executive who isn’t an executive anymore privilege.
That concluded the interview. The fly said it smelled something in New Hampshire that sounded appetizing and buzzed off.