We’ve all heard the news now that Ivanka Trump illegally used her personal email for government business, the same offense her father lambasted Hillary Clinton for. Unsurprisingly, Ivanka pleads stupidity. So far most seem to be treating this defense as credible.
Some might ask what business the mere daughter of the President has conducting government business to begin with. I am sure many are naturally curious as to the content of those emails. I am pleased to say your ace, crack reporter has been able to exclusively acquire said emails, at least a few of them. I got them from the Russians.
The first involves coordinating a meeting with her father and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Subject: Re: Meeting With McConnell
Daddykins, I received your memo requesting I drop by next Tuesday during your meeting with Mitch McTurtle (I just love your nickname for him) to briefly giggle while wearing a tight sweater. I’ll be glad to. Do you want me to wear the low cut red sweater or the really tight and thin white turtleneck? I thought the turtleneck . . . cause you know . . . turtle. If I wear that one, it’s so see through we should coordinate the color of bra. Of course I could just not wear one, that will bring him out of his shell, tee-hee.
In one email, Ivanka forayed into foreign affairs as she tried to patch up relations with the President of Canada.
Subject: Daddy Issues.
I love your middle name, “Pierre.” It sounds so exotically French, or something. I know you are not French, you are from Canada, which I am sure is totally different.
Anyway, I wanted to say don’t feel bad about some of the mean things Daddy said about you. He just talks gruff sometimes, but he’s really a big orange teddy bear. I know! Just let him vent and then play some golf with him. Everything will be fine, even all that boring trade stuff.
Daddy just can’t relate to Canada because it’s so very cold he doesn’t understand why anyone would live there. But any country with a marijuana leaf for its national symbol is great with me!
Anyway I still love you and that accent is to die for. It sounds more authentic than my third mother’s. Let me know what you would like for me to wear next time we meet.
Oh Canada! s/Iwanna Trump.
Finally, there was this strange short email with the President of Russia.
Re: Weather Video?
Dear Vladimir (are you any relation to that Dracula fellow?)
While I am sure Russian weather and climate is a fascinating topic, I really am not interested in that video entitled “Yellow Rain” you offered me. Thanks, and let me know if you have any videos on Russian fashion trends.
That’s it for now. I’m still negotiating with the Russians for some more, but they keep wanting to talk to me about orphans.
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