For Trump Reality Once Again Overwhelms The Capacity of Satire.
Until mid-January confirmed reports, allegations, or rumors of Donald Trump’s unusual sexual proclivities had been confined to:
- Cringe worthy comments about dating his daughter.
- Raping his wife.
- Numerous affairs.
- Bragging about grabbing women by the pussy.
- Grabbing women by the pussy.
- Ogling naked beauty contestants in their dressing rooms.
- The Russian pee-pee tape of the Steele Dossier.
- Affairs with porn stars with names like “Stormy Daniels” and paying them off to be quiet.
You know, just the usual stuff. Only now has it gotten really weird. It all starts with aforementioned porn star Stormy Daniels (actual name Stephanie Clifford) and her bid to run for the United States Senate (seriously). In 2009 she considered running for the seat held by Republican David Vitter of Louisiana who had his own sex scandal issues after appearing on the list of clients of the notorious D.C. Madam . . . but I digress, back to Trump.
Clifford’s consideration of the political run got serious enough that she began talking to political consultants about potential donors. One such consultant emailed Andrea Dube, a Democratic political consultant, a list of potential campaign donors provided by Clifford from her cell phone contact list. The list included Steve Hirsch, who ran a large adult entertainment company; Theresa Flynt, the daughter of Hustler’s Larry Flynt; Frazier Boyd, a strip club chain owner; Jenna Jameson, aka “the Queen of Porn” . . . and . . . Donald Trump.
Curious as to how Trump’s name could be on same list as the other luminaries Dube emailed the consultant back, who was apparently in personal contact with Clifford, asking how Trump’s name and number could be in that porn star’s cell phone contact list. To which the consultant answered Dube (this deserves big letters):
“Yep. She says one time he made her sit with him for three hours watching ‘shark week.’ Another time he had her spank him with a Forbes magazine.”
As the exchange went on the political consultant apparently explained to Dube the delicious additional detail that the Forbes Magazine involved was one with Trump himself appearing on the cover, proving once and for all that only Trump can beat Trump. Maybe we should not regard this as weird at all. All the best sex involves Forbes play. There remain no word on the undying question of whether she rolled the magazine up or just hit him with it flat.
At this stage, I pause to state that everything so far in this article is true, and while it may seem like satire, I have not yet reached the political satire part of this article. Mother Jones magazine has a copy of emails and Dube confirms she received them. With Trump it is necessary to provide notice when crossing the line from reality to satire. I now cross that line.
The timing is fortuitous for Forbes Magazine which is looking to boost sales with a new catch phrase for its cover. The old one, “Money + Politics,” just never caught fire. This news provides Forbes the opportunity for some timely and truly catchy catch phrases such as:
- “Forbes: A Spanking Good Magazine.”
- “Forbes: For The Well Disciplined Reader.”
- “Forbes: Covering Places You Never Thought We’d Cover.”
- “Forbes: Clinton Didn’t Beat Trump, But We Did.”
- “Forbes: For Dominating News.”
- “Forbes: A Magazine Found On Great Racks Everywhere.”
- “Forbes: Good Reading On ‘Stormy’ Nights.”
- Forbes: Sometimes We Can Be A Real Pain In The Ass.”
Maybe that last one is little bit too edgy. I’m sure you can come up with some of your own. Feel free to comment. Until then, thanks for the mammaries.