My Resume For Secretary of Defense

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To: The President of the United States.

Job Sought: Secretary of Defense.

Executive Summary of Qualifications: Overcame bone spurs to serve eleven years as an Army officer, rising in rank to Captain in positions of increasing complexity and responsibility. I may not be the ideal candidate but I do bring more military experience to the position than either the current Commander in Chief or the Acting Secretary of Defense.

Understanding of Job Responsibilities: Primary advisor to the President of the United States regarding military capabilities and options. Responsible for management of all Department of Defense operations including nearly 3 million personnel, counting active duty military, reserves and civilians. Responsible for management of an approximately $800 billion/year annual budget and managing the procurement of military supplies and equipment. Responsible for developing and recommending a strategic vision for American armed forces consistent with military and geopolitical threats to national security. Nah, everybody knows that’s not it. Mostly the job requires being a good yes-man who will suck up to and further inflate the fragile ego of a President prone to child-like temper tantrums.

Salary Expectations: Will work for book rights.

Education

Juris Doctorate (that means law), University of Houston School of Law (cum laude), 1995.

Master in Health Administration, United States Army/Baylor University Program, 3.85 GPA, 1991.

BS in Psychology (I know that’s redundant) Texas A&M University, 1981.

Employment Background

1981–1992: Officer in the United States Army rising to the rank of Captain in positions of increasing complexity and responsibility. These positions included two as a commander. Awards include Meritorious Service Medal, Army Commendation Medal (2x) and Expert Field Medical Badge. Never shot anybody but practiced lots.

1995–2016: Attorney for one of the leading health law firms in the United States. Advanced to position of partner/owner. Sued the United States government for a living. Retired before current administration came in, so never sued you guys. No worries.

2016 — Present: Retired and living the good life in Key Largo.

Personal Qualifications: I liked beer. I still like beer.

Reason For Application: Wife wants me out of the house.

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