The Real Reason Trump’s Trip To The DMZ Was Cancelled.
With a Virginia referendum on Trumpism going down in defeat a President with a flair for drama ordered up some drama. Having previously dismissed the idea of a Presidential trip to the Korean demilitarized zone (DMZ) as a photo-op cliche, the news of election defeats was suddenly preempted by a news of a Presidential attempt to visit the DMZ. Alas the mission failed more quickly than Mueller rolling Papadopoulos.
The official explanation was weather. I can tell you now that is a lie, a total cover story for the true story that I am about to tell you.
My source is anonymous, aka undisclosed. However, I regard him as completely trustworthy because he is a beer drinking buddy. Every man knows the Guy Code that when two guys are drinking beer together only the absolute and God’s truth can be told between them. “No lying over shared beer” is a sacrosanct principle of the Guy Code.
I assure you this source is very, very close to the President. How close? Well he is the same “extremely credible source” the President refers to in this tweet.
So you know this is legit.
The Real Reason For The Trip To The DMZ Was . . . Golf.
The President discovered the DMZ has a golf course, well one hole actually, but that was enough. Upon hearing this the impetuous President could not resist a visit and declared “Saddle up the helicopters, let’s go!”
“Sir, I’m not sure this is such a good idea, you see . . .” said General Kelley. But the President interrupted “Did Obama go play golf at the DMZ?” “Ummm, no sir, I don’t think so” responded the General. “Well there you go, then I have to do it so that I can do the opposite of what Obama didn’t do!” cried Trump triumphantly. With that dizzying logic there was nothing more for General Kelley to say.
The military, of course, responded promptly to the orders of their Commander In Chief, they quickly “saddled up” the helicopters.
It was not until they were in the air that they had a chance to brief the President on this particular “round” of golf. There really is a golf course in the DMZ, at Camp Bonifas. The one hole, 3 par hole has a peeling astroturf green that is surrounded on three sides by something a bit more intimidating than traditional sand traps. The course is surrounded on three sides by mine fields. This has earned it the designation as “the most world’s dangerous hole in golf.” Bad shots have been known to set off mines, incurring a two-stroke penalty . . . to your heart.
The President was advised of this as the saddled up helicopters were in the air. He was shown this rather intimidating picture of the sign at the start of the hole.
This promptly produced what the military calls (with its love for abbreviations) a Presidential BMM (bowel movement moment). “Holy shit!” exclaimed the President, “are you talking real fuckin mines? Not the New York hooker vagina mines with STDs I bravely dodged during the Vietnam War, but the mines that fookin boom and shit?”
“Yes, Mr. President, real mines. They look like this” said the briefing officer showing him this picture.
“Holy very, very shit” exclaimed the President, “one of those MFers could blow your MFer nuts off, couldn’t they?”
“I’m afraid more than that, Mr. President” the stoic briefing officer replied.
“Well fuck that,” said the President reflexively covering his crotch, “I’m not doing that bullshit. Turn this GD helicopter around, right now!”
The Cover Story.
And so the helicopter turned around. Back at base camp with General Kelley a cover story was developed for the aborted golf mission.
“How about helicopter bone spurs?” suggested the President. “That sort of thing always works.”
“No,” said General Kelley, “we’ve been to that well before.”
“Well, we have to come up something, whether I do it or you do it” said Trump.
“That’s it sir!” exclaimed Kelley, “that’s brilliant Mr. President.”
“Huh? What?” said the President.
“We will blame it on the weather, just as you suggested, Mr. President,” said a General Kelley who suddenly has become more comfortable with lying.
You know the rest of the story.