Faux News Network (A FNN Exclusive Report).
Escalating trade and personal tensions with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau culminated today with President Trump announcing he was formally declaring war on Canada. Trump stated, “many legal scholars agree my power to declare war myself, like my power to pardon myself, is absolute under the Constitution. Besides, it’s my Army to parade or play with however I want.”
The Declaration of War follows a series of increasingly biting exchanges between President Trump and Prime Minister Trudeau. It started with Trudeau rather amiably stating Canada’s position on trade, prompting Trump to call him “very dishonest and weak.” Trump’s Trade Advisor, Peter Navarro, said there was a “special place in Hell” for the Canadian Prime Minister.
Chrystia Freeland, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, rudely responded, “Canada does not believe that ad hominem attacks are a particularly appropriate or useful way to conduct our relations with other countries.”
President Trump then blasted back on Twitter:
Prime Minister’s Trudeau’s over the top response was, “What? Really? I’m sure that’s not real and that some 12 year old just hacked the President of America’s Twitter account. I’m sorry this happened to him.”
This was, understandably, too much for President Trump, who promptly declared war. Secretary of Defense Mattis promptly leaked to the press the plans for the imminent invasion of Canada.
The Pentagon has confirmed American military forces are now redeploying from the Southern border to staging areas in South Dakota, as reflected in the above map. Trump and the Pentagon have also refused to rule out nuclear weapons. “This is not a Southpark episode,” General Mattis gravely intoned.
The President said, “I’ve got all these cool toys and I want use them.” He further explained he was hoping for a war with North Korea, but since he was making historic peace with North Korea, he needed to pick another country to with play with American military might. “Canada is closer than Korea” our President cleverly pointed out.
Canada’s response so far has been mostly rooted in concern the Americans will bring their garbage with them and dirty up the pristine beauty of their country. At least one member of Parliament said “So, we will have American football here, eh?”
Justin Trudeau said “we have politely asked our forces to be on cautious alert, but of course not in a rude or offensive way.”