After declaring that he would have run into Marjory Stoneman High School, even if unarmed, to confront the shooter, Trump has decided that it’s not fair he didn’t get a medal for the courage he would have shown if only he had actually been there. So, Trump has awarded himself The Medal of Honor.
In accepting the self bestowed medal Trump declared, “Believe me when I say, as the most humble man in the world, that this medal makes me feel even more humble, believe me.” As General Kelly’s eyes rolled Trump added, “It took real courage and self sacrifice to award myself this medal, but I did it because that’s how incredibly brave I am. With this nobody can call me ‘Cadet Bone Spurs’ ever again.”
In reading the citation of the award General Kelly said:
“Some of us are called to duty, some of us are almost called, and some of us wish we were called but know we would answer the Cell Phone of Valor, if only it rang. I am proud to say that President Donald J. Trump is such a man. He was not faced with a heavily armed gunman, but we know that if he were, he would without regard for his own personal safety, rush into danger even completely unarmed. That is the kind of man we almost saw. Recognition of the valor he would have shown should not be denied just because he happened to be golfing at the time and was not there. Hypothetical courage is the greatest courage of all. On behalf of all the families of the children who would have been saved had you been there, thank you Mr. President.”
First Lady Melania Trump did not attend the ceremony, citing a hair appointment, but the President proudly displayed his Certificate for the Medal of Honor.
EDIT & UPDATE
All efforts to satirize this President are eventually doomed to be overwhelmed by the reality of his actual comical absurdity. A year and a half after I did this article Trump spoke to American Veterans and joked about how he wanted to give himself the Medal of Honor.